Name: Latch the Tick
Hometown: Hemoglobin Heights
Occupation: Advice ColumnistAdvocacy: Green Pest Management
Letters to Latch – An Advice Column
An Excerpt from the Hematophagy Herald, April 13th 2009
Long time fan, first time write in. I have been reading your columns for years. There’s simply no better advocate for the parasitic lifestyle than you. Your piece on dorsal shield itch was uncompromising. This brings me to my big question – with all of your great bloodsucking advice over the years why does it seem you are advocating for humans at this year’s EarthFest? Don’t tell your loyal fans you have a taste for the mammalian way of life now. Say it ain’t so Latch.
- AB Negative Feelings in Arkansas
Silly humans. Have no fear AB, this tick would never advocate a non-parasitic, bi-pedal lifestyle. It’s unnatural. Besides, how silly would a tick look in 4 pairs of Crocs and a sun visor?
When it comes down to it AB, it’s all about keeping my hunger in check and protecting the humans from their own doing. Like it or not we must share our lives with the humans one way or another – lurking in their gardens, joyriding on the backs of their pets, and quietly mocking them from our scenic woodland homes – waiting for the moment to dine. As any good parasite will tell you – humans are our hosts. We certainly don’t want to attend dinner parties with bad hosts do we? That’s why I am teaming up with several other misunderstood creatures this year at EarthFest to speak about pest control that doesn’t pollute ours and their waterways, harm natural habitats, and create problems for our less civilized warm-blooded hosts. Don’t worry though, I will also be keeping a tally to rate this year’s level of juicyness among humans to report back to the community.
After a close call with a human a couple of months ago I am afraid of commitment. Since then I’ve just gone from dog to dog taking what I need then moving on whenever things start to get serious. Maybe I’m scared or maybe I’m just waiting on the right human to come into my life. There’s this girl who visits my local community garden to weed and spray around the vegetable plants. I heard she’s a heartbreaker though. I just don’t know if I’m ready to get attached so soon. Any advice?
-Heartbeets in Tulsa
You have nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve spent my fair share of outings with undesirables. I once settled for-get this-a lizard. Granted it was just a one-time thing but I’ll never sink so low again. Count yourself and those dogs of yours lucky. This is a hard world in which to find Mrs. Right Ventricle. Normally I’d encourage a reader to go for it but I don’t want to encourage leeching. Get it? Leeching? Parasites? Groundwater? I thought it was funny…
I’d wait for a girl who’s first inclination isn’t to grab the pesticide bottle. Pesticide can be romanticide my friend.